Right answers

Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.

Ralph: Well, you could try.

Worries while flying

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

Math is turning bad

“Psst, c’mere,” said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.

“What are you selling?” I asked.

“Geometrical algebra drugs.”

“Huh!?”

“Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers…”

“Stop right there,” I interrupted. “I’ve never heard of inside-outers.”

“Oh, man, you’ll love ‘em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin’ Escher on a particularly weird day.”

“Go on…”

“OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones,” he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.

“What are those, then?” I asked.

“Givens transformers. They’ll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed.”

“Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?”

“There’s a whole variety of them. Here’s one you’ll love — they call it ‘One Over Z’ on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you’ll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity.”

The results of statistics

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

PROBLEM SOLVED!–ANOTHER MATHEMATICAL SUCCESS STORY!

A Priest, Rabbi and a Mathematician were waiting patiently on stage to be decapitated.

The priest put his head in the slot and the executioner pulled the lever; the guillotine blade came speeding down the track and stopped just a few inches above the priest neck. The priest proclaimed that God had intervened and saved him from execution; the executioner had to agree and let him go.

The mathematician had a disbelieving, puzzled, look on his face.

Next the Rabbi put his head in the slot, the executioner pulled the lever and the blade came speeding down the track and stopped a few inches above the Rabbi’s neck. The executioner agreed that God had intervened again and saved the Rabbi also.

The Mathematician, more troubled than ever, put his head in the slot and turned to look upward and he noticed something that made him smile.

Before the executioner could pull the lever, the mathematician said “Hold on there a minute, I see what the problem is! The track has a small pebble blocking the path of the blade”. He removed the pebble and announced, “There, it should work just fine now!”

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